September 6th, 2005

We all know about Mike Hornyak’s history in this league. With that said, I don’t feel that there is a need to sit here and remind people that after two seasons he has yet to win double digit games…TOTAL. We all know that at times, mind you crucial times for other owners, he has thrown in the towel and not fixed his lineups when the moment called for it. I will also not sit here and remind everyone that he has NEVER had a winning record at any point in his two seasons at the helm. It is not needed, and frankly, I am above that.

However, one thing I will remind everyone of is his penchant for the sauce. Mike spent many a night here at League Headquarters sleeping off the effects of being driven to drink by fantasy football. It is rumored that last year's draft may have been attempted by the Hornyak while he was half in the bottle. Although it seems that he did a little better this year in comparison. Oh, sorry he had to auto draft…that explains it.

Anyway, we have seen his team name change from time to time to help symbolize just how much grandpa’s cough syrup means to this man and his team. I personally was surprised to see players like Kerry Collins and Sebastian Janikowski fall of the wagon to me in the draft. I figured they were designated as top tier players in The Hornyak’s pre rankings. Nevertheless, Mike is back with us this year and for that I think we should all raise our glass. “Here’s to The Token Bad Team, may you continue your rise, or rather slow ascent to greatness.” Now for the roster breakdown!

Spending any amount of time looking at The Token Bad Team’s roster is a lot like going to the bar. You walk in, sit down, and start looking around and feeling good about your chances. After a few minutes you start to notice that something stinks but you can’t quite tell where it’s coming from (understandable when looking at names such as Keenan McCardell, Travis Henry, Mark Clayton, Reggie Williams, Santana Moss, and Mewelde Moore). For this article they will be referred to as the "college hooches". Last season, the hooches COMBINED for seven total touchdowns. After reading those names you have finally narrowed down the general direction in which the vile aroma is wafting from. You smoothly get up from your seat and walk down to the other end of the bar. In the back of your mind you know that if you can’t find anything better by closing time you can always take one last shot to make them look better.

After ordering your third shot to try and settle the uneasy feeling building inside you, you glance over to the corner. There she is! You have found the hottest girl in the bar, Shaun Alexander. Of course, she is accompanied by her slightly less attractive but decent looking best friend, Ahman Green. You know that Shaun Alexander is dangerous and knows how to play “the game”, but you aren’t quite sure about her friend; there is potential but only time will tell. You tell yourself to look away before they catch you staring. No need to rush things, why not play it cool for the time being and see what other possibilities are available. Just then she catches your eye, Mike Vick. She looks very tempting but you now you have seen her at a couple other bars during the week. Every time she had gone home with a different guy. A warning flag goes up in your head as you tell yourself that she is one you should probably stay away from. As good as she looks she must just not be very good. She probably has Herpes or something anyway. Your eyes begin to wander again as you shout, “I’m gonna need a beer to put these flames out, YO!”

All of a sudden you see the four girls you can’t stand. Sitting over at the table right next to where the hooches are dancing are four girls who have denied you every time you have made a move on them, LaVar Arrington, Mike Vrabel, Terrence McGee, and that girl that kicked you in the balls when you told her you would look good in her pants, Jason Elam. Your balls swiftly move back into your abdominal cavity every time you see her. Although they are good looking, those are girls you should just forget about. They probably do some things well but they really aren’t worth any time worrying over.

Oh no! You have done it now. Nice job with taking your time on the HOT girl, some of her other friends have shown up and made it a little more intimidating to face her. Delhomme, Burleson, Shockey, Patten and Foster are making a human wall now between you and your piece of ass. This calls for another drink. All of a sudden after only about three hours (but what seemed like one), of god knows how many shots you start to feel a little queasy. You turn to the bartender to ask for some water but he is nowhere to be found, just a strange shape of colors where he used to be standing. You time the spinning of the room perfectly as you dismount from your perch. Past the hooches you run, throwing open the bathroom door and miraculously finding an unoccupied stall. Just in the nick of time you drop to the ground, grabbing the porcelain rim at 10 and 2 like any pro would and proceed to empty your stomach of all its contents and then some. After realizing what a mistake you made you reach for the lever. With one quick motion you send your insides right down the toilet, which coincidentally is where The Token Bad Team is going this year.

Look for another sub par showing from this owner. The Token Bad Team lives up to its moniker finishing the season in 10th place.

Adam LaBarre,
Vice President of Fantasy Football Operations