September 15th, 2005

!oohaY Slips By Conquest

As expected, !oohaY continued a hot streak dating back to the finish of the 2004 season, scoring in the mid-90s and winning their fourth opener in five tries. The victory was not an easy one however, as heavy underdog Conquest kept the match close throughout.

Justin Sedlecky’s squad got solid outings from several players, something that could not be said much a year earlier. LaDainian Tomlinson, Tiki Barber, Antoine Randel El, and Shayne Graham all scored in double digits keeping last year’s bottom feeders in the game. The upset was not to be, though, as !oohaY wrapped up the win when Marvin Harrison scored a touchdown late in the Sunday night game. The final was 93-82.
“I’m happy with the win,” Loffelman said after the game. “I’m kind of relieved that Trent Green and Hines Ward didn’t do much.”

Loffelman opened some eyes around the league when he named Carson Palmer as his opening day starting quarterback and the Bengal responded with a 16 point effort. !oohaY veterans London Fletcher and Jeff Wilkins were also key contributors in the win.

Loffelman obviously does not want his team getting complacent. The no-nonsense owner offered up this caveat regarding his team:

“This week, I think there may have been some underachievers.”

Kicking Off In Style

The $h!t Kickers' pursuit of their first ever title got off to an impressive start as they beat back Color Commentary 110-101 in a high scoring tilt. No team was hotter at the end of last season than the $h!t Kickers and they picked up right where they left off.

Kerry Collins threw for three touchdowns, Steve Smith made a strong return from injury, and the defense put up 30 points in running the Kickers opening day record to 5-0.

“I was not aware I was undefeated in openers. I really don't look at that type of thing. That’s for people who follow history and I am not concerned with that. All I concern myself with is the next game. You can't win championships by looking back.”

Despite the loss, Color Commentary had the second highest point total in the league for the week. It was a welcome change for Mike Loffelman’s group, who struggled mightily to score last season.

Loffelman finally has stability at the quarterback position. Tom Brady opened up with a 19 point effort. Willie Parker might have been the biggest surprise of the week, as the usual number three back in Pittsburgh torched the Titans for over 200 total yards and a score.

For Loffelman, it marked a return to respectability. For LaBarre, it was the first leg of what he hopes will be a championship run. He would not, however, put the cart before the horse.

“We’re just playing the games,” he said.

Bucs Mistreat Botswanians

Raging Bucs owner Chris Epplett was as proud as a peacock following his team’s opening 72-63 victory over Bordeaux Botswanians and you could hardly blame him. The Bucs had finished with a 10-7 record in both of their previous campaigns in the league but were considered underdogs to Bordeaux in the minds of his peers. Epplett was not in a mood to mince words after the victory.

“Mr. (Jon) Bieneman's team simply could not compete with us. It didn't help that his QB is overrated and has no weapons around him,” Epplett said.

Marc Bulger led the Bucs’ efforts with 19 points, while Randy Moss chipped in with 14. The rest of the lineup was hit and miss, but Epplett didn’t seem to care.

“If I don't see some improvement from some of our players, expect some shake-ups in the lineup. There are some good reserves waiting for a chance to play and some of them showed it with good performances this past week,” he concluded.

He then praised his prized QB Bulger. “We made a point of drafting him slightly higher than he was projected because we thought he brought a lot to the team,” Epplett said. “He's already paying off and we expect to see continual production from Bulger for weeks to come.”

One thing is certain. We’ll be hearing more from the Raging Bucs owner for weeks to come.

A Win Is A Win

Dabears started off the defense of their surprising championship in typical Bear fashion, with a very ugly, low-scoring victory over The Token Bad Team. Jimmy Smith was the only player for either side to score in double figures as he put up 20 for dabears.

Following Smith’s second touchdown grab of the day, owner Matt First reportedly exclaimed, “I like it.”
What’s not to like about a 64.5-55 fantasy football victory?

Bad Team owner Mike Hornyak, surely distraught that no player in his lineup scored as many as 8 points, promised changes in the coming weeks. He shouldn’t look further than Keenan McCardell, a Hornyak man through and through, who put up 20 on the Bad Team bench.

First is many things, but he is not a man who will stand pat. Despite the victory, the brazen owner waived six players, a third of his roster, in the last two days.

Lackluster Game of the Week Disappoints

Bent Over Front Desk thought it was over before it ever really started, and then it got worse.

BOFD owner/GM/coach Shaun Markwart learned early on that his first selection from this year's draft would have a piss-poor day. Daunte Culpepper dug a hole impossible to climb out of, finished the day with five turnovers (-5 points), then sat back and watched the rest of the team follow his example.

Rudi Johnson was the best player, despite sitting out the first few series for missing a team meeting, leading the squad with 14 points (126 yards, TD). “It would be nice of Johnson to become a leader on this team,” Markwart is quoted as saying, “He just needs to make it to the damn meetings. They're not optional, you know!” After Johnson there was a significant drop off in production as the remaining BOFD offense combined for a measly 21 points.

But the Bushwood organizational heads barely seemed to notice BOFD's woes as they too found their team playing only slightly less crappy to “earn” the win. It was obvious to all who saw this game that it would go down as one of the most disappointing Games of the Week in modern memory. Only the '58 Week 12 game pitting Bobby Bowden's “McCarthy's Minions” against the offensive juggernaut of Bo Schembechler's “Sisters of St. Clara” outshone this game in as many categories of mediocrity.

Bushwood's resident treebeard, Bill “The Riddler” Hornyak, was a tight-lipped and emotionless interviewee during the post-game press conference, giving such responses as “A win is a win.” “Yes, my team is motivated.” and “No.”

When asked about the season-ending injury incurred by wideout Javon Walker, however, Hornyak's emotional shift was immediate and undeniable. “Listen, Javon Walker's like one of them pieces of unused chewing gum left in your pocket too long,” he said. “You know how it gets all warm and mushy and oozes out of its wrapper? That's what he is. We picked up that guy because we wanted something to chew on, but here's the thing, folks. Javon's just covered in pocket lint now.”

The owner/coach needed no coaxing to continue. “We picked up that guy because we thought we had a flavor we liked when really what we had was a nasty case of licorice whiplash. That [dude] screwed us in the anal-butt! Does Javon Walker look like Bubblelicious to you?!”

Markwart, refusing to be outdone by his rival, shoved Hornyak out of the way, stepped up to the microphone, and gave an analogy of his own: “Culpepper is . . . a touchdown machine.” Markwart then strode from the conference room, leaving a bewildered Hornyak to finish his statements.

The Riddler again reverted to answering the reporters' questions with as few words as possible when asked about replacing Walker: “Plax.” was the flat reply, referring to New York Giants WR Plaxico Burress, who scored 11 points on the bench, including a touchdown.

Despite the fact that Bushwood had little offensive output except for the superhuman Peyton Manning (18 points.) and Deuce McAllister (16 points.), Hornyak is confident in his team ability to go 2-0. Said The Riddler: “My team will [kick Adam's bitchy little ass]."

This reporter was later able to conduct a phone interview with Markwart. Asked if there was a chance in Hell that defending champs Da Bears would go 2-0 after visiting historical Crowley Park, the calcitrant Markwart answered, “Look, I'm conducting this interview on the can. I'm shitting out turds and saving them in a bucket under my bed right next to the stack of “Little Playing Boys” Magazines. Come Sunday I'm going to bring out this ten gallon bucket and compare the acrid aroma of my shit to the putridity that is Da Bears. Right now I think it's a toss-up.”

The stinky coach added, “Plus we've got the best home field advantage in the league.”

BOFD is now 1-4 all-time in season openers, but that doesn't faze the winningest coach ever. “We've just gotta keep doing what we do...We have a system in place that works over the long haul.

“When it rains, it pours...everything went wrong for us [this week]. Hopefully we got it all out of the way.” If history means anything, yes they did.

Game Notes: The first ever AQ League game held at Bushwood Stadium sold out with an attendance of 36. Bushwood owner Bill Hornyak took his team miniature golfing at Pirate's Cove as a reward for winning.

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